I've started reading the book I mentioned in my last post, Grace for the Good Girl, and while I'm enjoying it, I have to admit that I originally didn't think I related to it quite as much as I had expected to. However, the more I think about it the more I begin to see myself in the book. I can see a lot of truth in it. The basic concept so far is that we as women (or really just as people in general) try so often to paint the picture of perfection in our lives... to be the perfect friend, the perfect wife, and the perfect mother. Now, I'm not married nor do I have children but I can see glimpses of how this plays out in my own life-- I do try to be a good roommate, a good leader, a good girlfriend, a student, a good daughter. I think it's the reason I like my room to be clean, I like my clothes to be well put together, and I like to do things like spend time on Pinterest looking at things that are (in slightly painful honesty) largely unnecessary. We as girls make DIY crafts, complement each others nails, and strive to throw the worlds most elaborate 5 year old birthday parties. We live life making orange jello boats. (Any girl at the B can explain that one to you.) We like to have it all together. We like to go above and beyond on projects, like to make the best cupcakes, and like to have perfectly naturally curly hair. We like to have the best ideas, the sweetest personality, the cutest boyfriend. (which I do. there's really no room for argument there.) We like to be the world's best listeners and the world's best organizers. We like the laundry to be done and the volunteer work to be praiseworthy. I'd love to say that people view my life as successful, as blameless and pure, and that people see me as a leader and a friend. I'm not saying that these things are necessarily true, I'm just telling you the picture that I would like to paint most days, whether I want to admit to it or not.
And I would say based on feedback that in general, people tend to think I have my act pretty together. But you know what? I fail at a million of those things every single day. I didn't make my bed this morning and there's a small pile of laundry sitting beside my closet. I leave my shoes everywhere and there are more bobby pins lurking throughout my house than there are in their container in the bathroom. Yesterday I found my hairbrush in the back of my car. It's been there since I last went to Mississippi... two weeks ago. And because that makes me feel like an inadequate girl, I decided I'd spend a little extra time this morning fixing my hair and putting on makeup. The result? Black mascara down the front of my favorite J. Crew shirt and somehow also smeared across my white comforter. I don't always do my homework, I forget people's birthdays, and I get frustrated easily. I put too many things off til tomorrow. I'm bad about calling people back and I talk about myself far more than I listen. My prayer life isn't what I'd like it to be and I often don't even notice the hurt of those around me. I don't have it all together. I hope I don't pretend to.
But sometimes that's the direction that I'm heading. I fill up my pinboards with cute things and sit around with the women in my life and oo and ahh at Pottery Barn magazines over cupcakes, filling my life with things that make it look appealing and neatly packaged. And is any of that inherently bad? Absolutely not. The problem becomes when these things overshadow honesty and grace in our lives. I was so touched and humbled lately at reading a post by a wonderful mother about her daughter's third birthday party. Adam student taught my chemistry class in high school and he and his adorable wife, Becca, have sold their lives out to answer their call to ministry in downtown Atlanta. They've been faithful through chaos lately with the recent birth and heart surgery of their precious son, Caden. I loved reading her story of finding what is truly important through the birth of her son. I admired her honesty as she talked about realizing that her elaborate party planning skills and cute decor took a backseat as she lived life with a clear perspective. You should check out their story. Their hearts and their faith encourage me all the time.
While I haven't quite gotten to that part of the book, I'm truly realizing how grateful I am that in the midst of all my imperfections there is grace. Praise God that He never asks perfection of me but that is a two fold thing. Not only does He not ask for perfection of me, but He doesn't ask for me to paint a false picture of perfection to the world either. At surface level, I don't think I'm someone who struggles with this. I very much wear my emotions on my sleeve. In fact, I have a hard time keeping most things to myself. If I'm upset, odds are I'm going to let you know it. But the more I examine it, the more I realize that I daily do let my world become centered around myself more than it is centered around the Gospel and maybe somewhere inside of me I write blog posts and post pictures and tweet scripture all day to falsely say that I have my life in order. Nobody does. I don't want to claim to. Because at the root of all of that, it boils down to who I desire to receive glory in my life. Second Corinthians 12:19 claims "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." If I hold that to be true (which I absolutely do) then I have to recognize that it is my imperfection that reflects Christ's perfection and points all glory to Him. My imperfections point to Him for His provision, for His love, for His grace. It is His grace that abounds so freely each day and that makes it okay for us to not have our acts all together so long as we are seeking to live in His will and bring Him praise each day.
But the truth of it is, that we fail at that as well. I know I certainly do. Tonight a sweet friend of mine asked me to be in prayer for something for him and I willingly agreed. It's my honor to be on my knees for someone who means so much to me. He smiled at me and said "Thanks. I asked you because I knew you really would." and I simply had to wonder how often I commit to praying for something and only seek the Lord on it halfheartedly. There could be few things worse than telling someone you'll pray for them and then not doing it, right? Conviction. I fail at praying, I miss opportunities with the Lord, and I don't have as deep a knowledge of Scripture as I wish I had. But you know what?
There is grace.
I'm blown away tonight by the thought that God, our big and infinite God, chooses to take people as insignificant, imperfect, and ugly as each of us are and use us to be a small part of something so great. As I lifted my hands to the song posted below tonight in worship, tears streamed down my face. We used to use this song on flashback videos at camp and I wept as I thought about the faces of all those children, about the Gospel, about the time I knew I was called to ministry, and about the fact that Christ has willingly decided to use the imperfect me, so full of mistakes. Me, who drops the ball daily... I'm humbled at all He has done in my life and at who I know He will continue to be. I continue to lay down my plans and to lay down any striving for perfection. Praise God for His grace. I can't wait to see more.
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