perfection

Happy Fall, friends! I'm so excited that it's finally time for long sleeves, candles, and mounds of warm pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. And trust me, we've thankfully had lots and lots of those lately...

I've started reading the book I mentioned in my last post, Grace for the Good Girl, and while I'm enjoying it, I have to admit that I originally didn't think I related to it quite as much as I had expected to. However, the more I think about it the more I begin to see myself in the book. I can see a lot of truth in it. The basic concept so far is that we as women (or really just as people in general) try so often to paint the picture of perfection in our lives... to be the perfect friend, the perfect wife, and the perfect mother. Now, I'm not married nor do I have children but I can see glimpses of how this plays out in my own life-- I do try to be a good roommate, a good leader, a good girlfriend, a student, a good daughter. I think it's the reason I like my room to be clean, I like my clothes to be well put together, and I like to do things like spend time on Pinterest looking at things that are (in slightly painful honesty) largely unnecessary.  We as girls make DIY crafts, complement each others nails, and strive to throw the worlds most elaborate 5 year old birthday parties. We live life making orange jello boats. (Any girl at the B can explain that one to you.) We like to have it all together. We like to go above and beyond on projects, like to make the best cupcakes, and like to have perfectly naturally curly hair. We like to have the best ideas, the sweetest personality, the cutest boyfriend. (which I do. there's really no room for argument there.) We like to be the world's best listeners and the world's best organizers. We like the laundry to be done and the volunteer work to be praiseworthy. I'd love to say that people view my life as successful, as blameless and pure, and that people see me as a leader and a friend. I'm not saying that these things are necessarily true, I'm just telling you the picture that I would like to paint most days, whether I want to admit to it or not.

And I would say based on feedback that in general, people tend to think I have my act pretty together. But you know what? I fail at a million of those things every single day. I didn't make my bed this morning and there's a small pile of laundry sitting beside my closet. I leave my shoes everywhere and there are more bobby pins lurking throughout my house than there are in their container in the bathroom. Yesterday I found my hairbrush in the back of my car. It's been there since I last went to Mississippi... two weeks ago. And because that makes me feel like an inadequate girl, I decided I'd spend a little extra time this morning fixing my hair and putting on makeup. The result? Black mascara down the front of my favorite J. Crew shirt and somehow also smeared across my white comforter. I don't always do my homework, I forget people's birthdays, and I get frustrated easily. I put too many things off til tomorrow. I'm bad about calling people back and I talk about myself far more than I listen. My prayer life isn't what I'd like it to be and I often don't even notice the hurt of those around me. I don't have it all together. I hope I don't pretend to.

But sometimes that's the direction that I'm heading. I fill up my pinboards with cute things and sit around with the women in my life and oo and ahh at Pottery Barn magazines over cupcakes, filling my life with things that make it look appealing and neatly packaged. And is any of that inherently bad? Absolutely not. The problem becomes when these things overshadow honesty and grace in our lives. I was so touched and humbled lately at reading a post by a wonderful mother about her daughter's third birthday party.  Adam student taught my chemistry class in high school and he and his adorable wife, Becca, have sold their lives out to answer their call to ministry in downtown Atlanta. They've been faithful through chaos lately with the recent birth and heart surgery of their precious son, Caden. I loved reading her story of finding what is truly important through the birth of her son. I admired her honesty as she talked about realizing that her elaborate party planning skills and cute decor took a backseat as she lived life with a clear perspective. You should check out their story. Their hearts and their faith encourage me all the time.

While I haven't quite gotten to that part of the book, I'm truly realizing how grateful I am that in the midst of all my imperfections there is grace. Praise God that He never asks perfection of me but that is a two fold thing. Not only does He not ask for perfection of me, but He doesn't ask for me to paint a false picture of perfection to the world either. At surface level, I don't think I'm someone who struggles with this. I very much wear my emotions on my sleeve. In fact, I have a hard time keeping most things to myself. If I'm upset, odds are I'm going to let you know it. But the more I examine it, the more I realize that I daily do let my world become centered around myself more than it is centered around the Gospel and maybe somewhere inside of me I write blog posts and post pictures and tweet scripture all day to falsely say that I have my life in order. Nobody does. I don't want to claim to. Because at the root of all of that, it boils down to who I desire to receive glory in my life. Second Corinthians 12:19 claims "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." If I hold that to be true (which I absolutely do) then I have to recognize that it is my imperfection that reflects Christ's perfection and points all glory to Him. My imperfections point to Him for His provision, for His love, for His grace. It is His grace that abounds so freely each day and that makes it okay for us to not have our acts all together so long as we are seeking to live in His will and bring Him praise each day.

But the truth of it is, that we fail at that as well. I know I certainly do. Tonight a sweet friend of mine asked me to be in prayer for something for him and I willingly agreed. It's my honor to be on my knees for someone who means so much to me. He smiled at me and said "Thanks. I asked you because I knew you really would." and I simply had to wonder how often I commit to praying for something and only seek the Lord on it halfheartedly. There could be few things worse than telling someone you'll pray for them and then not doing it, right? Conviction. I fail at praying, I miss opportunities with the Lord, and I don't have as deep a knowledge of Scripture as I wish I had. But you know what?

There is grace. 

I'm blown away tonight by the thought that God, our big and infinite God, chooses to take people as insignificant, imperfect, and ugly as each of us are and use us to be a small part of something so great. As I lifted my hands to the song posted below tonight in worship, tears streamed down my face. We used to use this song on flashback videos at camp and I wept as I thought about the faces of all those children, about the Gospel, about the time I knew I was called to ministry, and about the fact that Christ has willingly decided to use the imperfect me, so full of mistakes. Me, who drops the ball daily... I'm humbled at all He has done in my life and at who I know He will continue to be. I continue to lay down my plans and to lay down any striving for perfection. Praise God for His grace. I can't wait to see more.

ben

Last night my sweet friend Laura Sue and I went to Atlanta for the first night of Ben Rector's new tour. Between riding through the rain, fighting traffic for pumpkin spice lattes, and standing right up against the stage (but safely out of the spit range) it was all together a much needed night of fun. Here are a few pictures... bear in mind that I've never been skilled at taking photos in low lighting. Maybe I should work on that.

Graham Colton opened last night. Not only am I a big fan of his name, I really enjoyed his music too... and he had a precious personality. Count me a new found fan, Graham. 

small towns

It's a rainy day in Athens... but not one of those great, curl up on the couch with a good book kind of days. It's muggy... the kind of day that makes you think you'll never have a good hair day again. I admit that this was one of those days that I wanted to get back in bed and start all over again. But the Lord speaks and works through those days just as much as the ones filled with sunshine I suppose.

I've been letting myself live in a dream lately. You know, those times when you have a mentality of wearing scarves, playing on Pinterest, drinking apple cider and listening to someone play the violin on the back porch with pretty Christmas lights? I think it's the change of seasons. I'm so grateful for Fall to finally be here. It's beautiful to me that the Lord changes the seasons... keeps things fresh and new each morning. That's so like Him..

I spent this past weekend in Byram and it felt so good to be back there again. A few years ago, when I first went to my sweet friend's house in south Georgia, (Bainbridge... one of my very favorite places) I realized that despite being from Marietta, I am a lover of the feel of small towns. Being in Byram this weekend made me feel that way again. I feel like the sun is always shining. I love a place where everyone knows everyone. I love a sense of community and a town where the pastor is also in the press box at the high school football game. I love a place where you can't go anywhere without seeing someone you know. I love a place where people always hug you the first time they meet you and where people love to sit together and talk about what the Lord is teaching them. I'm pretty excited about the thought of getting to even be just a little part of that soon.

Daniel and I spent the weekend worshiping together, drinking pumpkin spice lattes, eating spaghetti, watching football, walking, laughing, reading, and just being in the same place. I couldn't ask for anything more. There's just something sweet about that time... and something about that time that makes me crave spending time before the Lord. My drive back on Sunday was hours on end of pure, intimate worship. There are no words for the beauty of the Lord's love. He's been daily speaking to my heart over and over again through Psalm 33. The first half of it is posted below. Check it out. There's just something breath taking to me about the imagery of God breathing out stars and scooping the depths of the ocean into jars. Praise the Lord that He's big enough to do that and small enough to hear the cries of my tiny heart.

I've been praying a lot for the Lord's wisdom lately. James 1:5, right? He's been speaking to my heart about what a beautiful time this is for me to sit at His feet as He prepares me for things to come. I'm trying my best to soak it all up.

I think I really want to read this book that I found today. Maybe one day I'll get around to ordering it...

I've been burning through the new NeedtoBreathe cd and the new Ben Rector cd this week. I'm going to see Ben Rector in concert tomorrow and I admit I've maybe never been this excited about a concert before. Have I mentioned I kind of love him? I do. It's a little out of control. Don't worry, I feel sure there will be plenty of photos to follow.

That's all the random for now... nothing but a quick update. :)

unfathomable

Sing joyfully to the LORD, you righteous;
   it is fitting for the upright to praise him.
² Praise the LORD with the harp;
   make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
³ Sing to him a new song;
   play skillfully, and shout for joy.

 ⁴ For the word of the LORD is right and true;
   he is faithful in all he does.
⁵ The LORD loves righteousness and justice;
   the earth is full of his unfailing love.

 ⁶ By the word of the LORD the heavens were made,
   their starry host by the breath of his mouth. ⁷ He gathers the waters of the sea into jars;
   he puts the deep into storehouses.
⁸ Let all the earth fear the LORD;
   let all the people of the world revere him.
⁹ For he spoke, and it came to be;
   he commanded, and it stood firm.

 ¹⁰ The LORD foils the plans of the nations;
   he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
¹¹ But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever,
   the purposes of his heart through all generations. 

                                                         -psalm 33:1-11

love

I found these words last night in a devotion from Frederick Buechner and thought I would share them today:

  The first stage is to believe that there is only one kind of love. The middle stage is to believe that there are many kinds of love and that the Greeks had a different word for each of them. The last stage is to believe that there is only one kind of love.
  The unabashed eros of lovers, the sympathetic philia of friends, agape giving itself away freely no less for the murderer than for his victim (the King James version translates it as charity)-- these are all varied manifestations of a single reality. To lose yourself in another's arms, or in another's company, or in suffering for all men who suffer, including the ones who inflict suffering upon you-- to lose yourself in such ways is to find yourself. Is what it's all about. Is what love is.
  Of all powers, love is the most powerful and the most powerless. It is the most powerful because it alone can conquer that final and most impregnable stronghold which is the human heart. It is the most powerless because it can do nothing except by consent. 
  To say that love is God is romantic idealism. To say that God is love is either the last straw or the ultimate truth.
  In the Christian sense, love is not primarily an emotion but an act of the will. When Jesus tells us to love our neighbors, he is not telling us to love them in the sense of responding to them with a cozy emotional feeling. You can as well produce a cozy emotional feeling on demand as you can a yawn or a sneeze. On the contrary, he is telling us to love our neighbors in the sense of being willing to work for their well-being even if it means sacrificing our own well-being to that end, even if i means sometimes just leaving them alone. Thus in Jesus' terms we can love our neighbors without necessarily liking them... This does not mean that liking may not be a part of loving, only that it doesn't have to be. Sometimes liking follows on the heels of loving. It is hard to work for somebody's well-being very long without coming in the end to rather like him too.


Love. The Lord has been teaching me a lot about His love lately. I'm going to let this passage speak for itself today...

who

Who is a question we see asked over and over again throughout Scripture. We see it asked of John in John chapter 1. We see it asked by Jesus in Matthew 16. We even see Moses ask it of God in Exodus 3. We see it in countless other places as each story in Scripture ultimately answers one of the three questions: Who is God? Who is Christ? Who am I in light of that?

I don't believe it is ever a coincidence when things come full circle in Scripture. As I've read through these three stories, I believe that each of them work together in a critical way and that they each have applications in my own life today.

If you look at Exodus 3, when Moses encounters the Lord via a burning bush, Moses's reaction seems much calmer than I imagine mine would have been. Regardless, I believe that our reactions still had something in common. The Lord tells Moses to go to Pharaoh and his reaction is, "Who am I, that I should go..." Who am I? Why me? I think that we spend the entirety of our lives asking this question and while day by day we figure out more of the answer, we may never be able to neatly wrap up into any coherent thoughts exactly who we are. But the Lord's response to Moses is simple: "I will be with you." I think Moses begins to catch on somewhere around here because his next questions is this: "Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you' and they ask me, 'What is your name?' Then what shall I tell them?'" A much better question. At the heart of it, Moses initially sounded a lot like me if I'm honest with myself. His first thought and first reaction was centered around himself. Who am I? God's response? The better question is who He is. What mattered is not who Moses was, what is far more important than that is who God is. Moses stood in the face of a bush caught on fire and didn't even recognize that first hand... I have to wonder how many times a day I stand before the Lord and try to make it about myself. And it isn't. It can't be.

If you look to John chapter one, you'll find John recounting times when people asked him about who he was. People were wondering if he was the prophet spoken about in scripture. They ask him in verse 22: "Who are you? Give us an answer to take back to those who sent us. What do you say about yourself?" Good question... what do I say about myself? Who am I? John's noble response came straight from words borrowed from Isaiah: "I am the voice of one calling in the desert, 'Make straight the way of the Lord'." John came, like many others, to clear a path for Christ. He recognized himself merely as a servant of Christ. People saw his life and wondered if he was the prophet spoken of in the old testament and we see here that John was quick to defer any glory from himself. One of my favorite visuals in the entire book is just after this in verse 27 when John describes Christ as "...the One who comes after me, the thongs of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie." John knew that in comparison to the Christ who was to come, He was nothing. He was nobody. Same to us, right? How would it be if I truly viewed myself as one who wasn't even worthy of touching the dirty shoes of the Lord? Yet we are valued and dearly loved by Him.

If you look to Matthew 16, you'll find Jesus Himself asking the question of who when He asks Simon Peter who people say He is and who Simon Peter himself says that Christ is. (side note, I think it's cool that later in the first chapter of John we see through a chain of people Simon Peter's first introduction to Christ. These stories are clearly tied) Christ asks him who He is and his response as follows: "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God." This answer shows Christ that he truly understands who He is-- that Christ is the one the scriptures had prophesied about and that He is in fact both fully man and fully God. And from that, Christ's response to Simon Peter is "Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by man, but by my Father in heaven. And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church..." See? In Peter's understanding of who Christ is, Christ told him who he was also and expressed His plans to use him. It's the exact same in our lives. We cannot know or understand who we are until we first recognize and begin to understand who Christ is. We were created in His image and created for His glory. Therefore, how could anything about me ever matter except in light of who He is?

Moses's encounter with the Lord only began to uncover a question that Peter's story gives us a little more insight into, but one that is still relevant in our lives today. Who am I? No, the more important question is who God is and who He creates me to be in light of that understanding. That has to be the question that comes first. Who are you, Lord? What is your name? and when He asks us who we believe Him to be and sees our heart of willingness and understanding, that is when He sends us out and when He tells us who we are. He provides that calling and that sense of identity in our lives but only in light of who we understand Him to be. Any other way and the glory would belong to us... My prayer and my heartbeat is to look in the mirror and see not myself, but Christ. That's the ultimate goal, right? So day by day as I figure out who I am, I should be realizing more and more of who Christ is and who I am merely in light of the Gospel. If that's who you are, Lord, then what does that make me? And His answer? Loved. That makes you loved.

May we understand more clearly today who Christ is. Nothing else could even compare.

january

Sunday afternoon on the front porch and the weather is absolutely perfect right now... I wish it would feel like this forever... I really wish I had a rocking chair. If I closed my eyes, I might believe I was sitting by the beach. Right now I can hear Season singing worship songs through the front door and I can smell chocolate chip cookies baking. I guess that's a sweet way to spend the afternoon, even if it isn't exactly what I had planned. Hmm.

I'm in the mood to do something super creative. Any suggestions?

Anyway, I decided it was about time for me to blog as I had planned last Thursday night. I have a little bit of news. Okay, it's a lotta bit of news...

I officially got offered my ideal internship and will be moving to Jackson, Mississippi in January.

Eek! How crazy is that?! And I'll admit something. I found out last Monday night and had to make my decision throughout the course of the week. There are a lot of details to work out, yes, but I had this realization as I finally told Karen about it last Thursday afternoon:

I haven't celebrated at all.

I started praying that the Lord would provide me with an internship almost a full year ago. I prayed that He would drop one in my lap over the summer, through some means or connection. The way this one came about was far too perfect to not be planned out by the Lord Himself and I prayed earnestly that if it was His will, it would work out. And you know what? He worked it out.

And instead of rejoicing in that fact and recognizing that this is a big deal, a big honor, and a big answered prayer, I jumped straight last week into being super stressed out about the million little details. I have to find a place to live. I have to make money somehow. I need to sublease my apartment. I don't have these things. There's so much paperwork. I have to do xyz. I'm afraid of moving onto the next chapter of my life. Can't I please take my roommates with me? And I got so bogged down with it that I completely failed to recognize it for the blessing that it is. I think maybe I have a hard time realizing that it's reality... or I have a hard time with the fact that I feel there's so much to do and I can't do any of it right now. And it isn't that I haven't said thank you, but I have failed to give the Lord the recognition that He deserves.

So last Thursday night I set out to have a night of celebration, even if it was all by myself. So what did I do? I made perfect chocolate cupcakes (okay, I made them for something else but they can have dual purpose, right?) and opted to put all stressing aside for the day in honor of living a life of gratitude. eucharisto even. Because that's how we should live every day. It's like Karen reminded me, the Lord isn't going to take care of the big things and leave the little details unresolved. Thank goodness we can have peace in His provision. John 11:41-- Father, thank you that you have heard me.

"Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." --Ephesians 5: 19-20

May I live a thankful life and may I understand the magnitude of all that I have to be thankful for. The past few months the Lord has continually laid this upon my heart as I dream and make plans:  

"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you out to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'" -James 4:13-15

And I live in that (as best as I can). But it looks like for now, it seems to be His will that I go. I met with the Lord last Sunday morning with a heavy heart and posed to Him the question "What am I even supposed to do, Lord?" His answer? Go. Loud and clear. So okay... Here we go.

That being said, I'm trying to continue to take the moment to celebrate. Not to celebrate myself or my acceptance... though I admit that I'm a little bit proud to have gotten it. To a degree I think that's okay. But no, not to celebrate any of those things but to celebrate and acknowledge the fact that the Lord has heard me and has provided. I know that in the time to come He will continue to provide. If it is His will, I will do this or that. If it is His will, I'll be living in Jackson in January. Crazy. What a crazy God we serve. So often I find myself in a place of simply wondering how I got to where I am today... may we all stand in awe of the great things He does and live in expectation of the great things He will continue to do. Why? Simply because He loves us.

Oh, how He loves us.

Ryan

I think I'm going to do something a little crazy tonight and blog twice... Two very different posts with two very different purposes. See, I was about to sit down to write about something important when I got a phone call that changed my plans for the evening.

I got a call just a little while ago to ask me for prayer regarding someone being in a car accident. That phone call lasted all of about 45 seconds and when it ended, I immediately hit my knees in my bedroom. See, I don't mess with car accidents. They've hurt me too bad before. They are too senseless, too unpredictable, too unfair.

As I prayed fervently over everyone involved in the situation, a visual from the summer popped into my mind and I found myself sobbing out loud, hot tears soaking the carpet. Tears are coming to my eyes again as I type but I figured it was time to tell another story of a camper... and how the Lord worked in my life through him. I'm going to try to pull myself together enough to tell this one.

Week four of camp we had a little boy with us named Ryan. I never got to meet Ryan personally but I'll never forget his face. Ryan had a tough home life, was struggling with some anger issues, and just generally needed the week at camp. Ryan isn't a believer (or at least wasn't at that time) and doesn't come from a Christian home. But he'd been having a fantastic week at camp. His group leaders were overjoyed just to see him having such a good time and were praying that God would do big things in his life.

About day three of camp, Ryan's group leaders pulled Mary and I aside to let us know that Ryan's dad had passed away at random in a car accident. Ryan didn't know yet. (crying again...) I sat outside praying and weeping with his group leaders during I Can't Wait as they prepared to tell him. They wanted him to have a great time that morning and they planned to pull him out on his way to bible study, let him know, and drive him home to be with his mom. We sat outside in devastation as Ryan laughed and jumped around inside with absolutely no idea of what was to come. It isn't fair, it isn't right, and it isn't okay. Ryan never should've had to deal with it.

I wiped tears away from my face and tried to pull everything together to see the hundreds of kids streaming out the door off to Bible study. None of our staff new yet (minus Blakes...) and none of the children knew either. After the last camper had scurried off to Bible study, I sat down on the front steps of the Christian Center knowing that a few rooms back, Ryan was finding out the most devastating news of his young life. I sat with my arm around a lady I'd never met-- the one who was about to drive him home for 3 hours. What can you say? What can you do? Not a lot. We sat there talking and praying until the door behind me swung wide open and I saw something that has haunted me for a long time since.

Out came Ryan and his group leaders and without saying a word, they all walked quickly to the car and drove away. I may never see Ryan again but I will never forget the look on his face. He was as white as snow with tears streaming violently down his face. His eyes were red and he looked lost for sense of direction, unsure of whether or not his next step was even going to carry his little body. 

I spent the rest of that morning just upset, confused, hurt... almost angry that sweet children have to go through things like this. Praying for Ryan tonight I feel the same way. It's months later and a lot of people have likely forgotten but I know that he hasn't. He lives with it daily. His father wasn't a believer and neither was he. I pray that he is now...

As I walked back into Adult Gathering to get my stuff, one of my favorite songs from the summer was playing and I caught hold of this line: "When it hurts, when times get hard, don't forget Who's child you are." That day it hurt. Times were hard... it wasn't easy to tell our staff and it wasn't easy to tell the rest of the campers in his church group. And it isn't easy today. Loss is never easy.

But the theme of our summer was this: Shipwreck Island: Where God Provides. And I believe that God provided for Ryan. I'm not sure that I can explain exactly how, but I know that He did. I know that God provides daily for Ryan by giving him the opportunity to be His child and to know that our God never leaves us, never forsakes us, and is always there. He is all comfort. He is all hope. Romans 8:26-- the Spirit helps us in our weakness. In those moments when we don't even know what to pray for, He is there to assure us that He understands and the He will take our next steps for us. I pray that Ryan knows that. I pray that we all do. I pray that God uses that brokenness. I pray that we each realize that God has provided all of those things for us today.

I scrolled back tonight through my journal to see the time I had written about Ryan. It was ironically (or not so ironically) after the Lord had revealed to my heart scripture about brokenness and how it draws us each nearer to Christ. I don't believe that God causes these hard things to happen in our lives, but I do believe that He fully works through them. Sometimes we can see it in retrospect, if we're lucky we can see it in the moment. Sometimes we never see it at all. Ryan taught me that.

I keep this verse written on a note card right by my steering wheel and it continues to speak in all situations in life:

"My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness... That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12:9, 10

That is why. We know that in the midst of hard things, senseless things, and things that are too unfair for us to grasp, we can rejoice because in our weakness, His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect. I don't know what Ryan's life looks like today but I hope that he is rejoicing. Let's rejoice tonight for the peace our God brings and the power that He holds through our weakness. Praise God that I am weak. It makes His strength so much sweeter.

A lengthy post but I hope that Ryan's story touches your heart the way it continues to touch mine... maybe I won't blog twice tonight. That was probably enough reading for anyone for a while.