blog it out...

I've had a slight revelation tonight. Today has been a really rough day and I've been in kind of a funk lately-- it's all been a build up to be almost too much for me to handle. I am honestly very tired of being home and it's manifesting itself in a claustrophobic feel, one that has resulted in me being less than laura towards my parents lately, which is weird for me because God has really been teaching me all year just how precious time with people you love really is. I've been struggling some because I haven't been getting any time with the rest of the people I love so dearly and I'm just frustrated and (in true laura form) ready to keep doing and moving. I came to the conclusion that I'm sick of being at home because I am so desperately tired of not being able to serve and pour out. I feel like I really have no outlet for service and that is such a part of my heartbeat. I should be cherishing this time to rest and store up before camp, but I'm crying out that I'm ready.

And God's crying back that I'm not.

I should be making more and more of this time to store up and grow closer to the Lord, but I've been stuck in a mentality of "I'll do this tomorrow...". The funny thing about tomorrow is that it never comes. The second part to my baby realization tonight is that... (you're probably already thinking it) I'm an idiot. Who in the world says I don't have the opportunity to serve actively here? If nothing else, I have the chance to be a blessing in the lives of my parents for the next week or so that I spend in this house. What am I thinking to say that God can't use me there? You don't have to be on the mission field or even in the church to be actively used by God. I know that, why have I not been seeing it more clearly?

Romans 8: 35 says "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?" Good old Oswald Chambers got me thinking tonight (he's great at that.) Should being in a position where serving is more hidden separate me from the love of Christ? Should the time I've been given of rest and preparation not be taken as a giant blessing? Stop being antsy, open your eyes to see things the way the Lord sees them, pray, seek, learn, grow, and enjoy this calm before the storm. Easier said than done? Of course.

I've got a week left. I'm going to rock it out. And you know what? I'm not waiting until tomorrow to get it started.

I'm moving.

I'm moving...

moving from laziness into being so ready for camp.
moving from hesitation into excitement.
moving from worrying that it's going to be a long summer into feeling like time is bound to fly by so fast.

and I'm getting anxious and tired of sitting around the house. How did I do this last summer? I even considered making a run back to athens to get some things and staying the night but there are a couple of empty apartments I don't really want to see...

So what do you do to channel missing it all and being incredibly bored counting down the days? space your errands out as much as you can. watch a lot of bad movies. hang out with the one friend you've got in town and thank the Lord for her. write lots of letters. work on curriculum. browse book stores. get some exercise. journal your life away. and you do an awful lot of thinking...

why is it that during the school year we wish for free time like this?

But on a more upbeat note, the Lord is beginning to show me what an amazing summer this is going to be. I've moved from being worried about a couple things to knowing God has a lot to teach me about who I am and more importantly about who He is. Bring on the challenge, I'm up for it.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." --Joshua 1:9



and I wanted to take a minute to thank my beautiful friends, Meghan and William, for letting me take their pictures a while back-- I am still SO excited for them!

beauty

Right now I'm digging even further into the question "what does it mean to be beautiful?" and getting really excited about having the chance to pour scripture into the lives of little girls this summer. The time I got to spend last summer teaching sexual purity to girls on a Navaho reservation was life changing and I'm excited to get to pour specifically into little girls again each week this summer, this time in a very different setting.

I'm praying God teaches me more as I did further into these questions and that He opens up the door for me to share scripture and impact these girls' lives. Can you tell I'm way excited?

Tonight my fascination has brought me once again to kevinandamanda.com. I fell in love with them earlier this year for their precious free fonts but I have to admit, I also love their blog-- especially the entry Amanda did about the Loft, a place I will admit to spending far too much time just this afternoon.

how did we get here?

At what point did I end up a junior in college? When did we get here and how did I not notice time flying by so quickly?

I met an old friend in the parking lot of my high school yesterday to pick up some stuff from her for camp. We didn't even go in-- I wouldn't dare venture past the m-lot now. But both of us stood there catching up and marveled at how it all felt like it was just yesterday... we pointed out our old parking spots and remembered our days of torture running laps together and couldn't believe it had been years since it all happened. I don't understand where it went or why it feels like we've only been gone a week. And then it got worse...

I went to preschool graduation last night and let's face it, I've been to more of those than I can even keep track of. This year I was graciously promoted from handing out programs to selling dvd's but per usual I got to see so many precious little faces and see how my mom tears up at watching them leave. I sat there during the ceremony watching my old friend Chad proudly watch his oldest daughter walk across the stage (she got the biggest applause of anyone!) with his toddler on his left and his infant in his arms. He kept bouncing the baby up and down and making her playing peek-a-boo with me, acting like the true child-at-heart that Chad will always be. I still can't believe he's a dad. I remember when his oldest was born and to be honest, I didn't even know that he and his wife had three kids now. How did we get here? I watched those babies walk (and often times run) across that stage and couldn't help but think that if I blinked it would be me sitting in the audience before I even knew it.

I had lunch with one of my best friends from high school today, the one we call my sister. We've grown up together to the point that we literally have keys to each others houses. She talked to me today about looking at engagement rings...

Time is such a whirlwind. I can't understand where it's gone lately. How did I get to the point where I will graduate college in a year and a half? How are people getting married left and right? At what point did it happen that I'm dating a boy in med school? Life is flying so fast and I get the feeling it will only get faster from here. It's funny how I can be so impatient and still begging for time to just slow down. God and I had a chat last night about how our days are just mere seconds for Him and how our lives are just tiny pieces of his big time line. If you look at the book of Jonah (post whale swallowing...) Jonah gets upset with the Lord about the little things we have no right to be upset about and the Lord teaches him to re-focus on the more important things of life. All we can and should do is graciously thank the Lord for letting us play a role in His story, not get bogged down with the details, and try and focus in on how we play into the bigger picture He has at work. Will I get there? Maybe... only time will tell. :)

my ugly blue trunk

Today I picked up my ugly blue trunk out of which I will be living for the rest of the summer. It's the first step in packing myself up and heading off to camp. I brought the poor ugly thing home and opened it up to find a sticker inside warning not to lock kids in the trunk... I guess that might come in handy. But let's be honest, the trunk isn't very big and I'm taking it as a picture of the challenge the summer is going to bring for me. It's not so much the thought of having few possessions or a small space-- I'm good at that. Sometimes, though, I don't do very well with not having my own space and a little time to myself, but I'm preparing to learn a whole lot about being selfless in the months to come.

Blogging... it's something I've been planning on getting started for a while. My journal is sitting in the chair beside me screaming at me-- I might be a little too attached to my pens and paper.

However, I'm welcoming myself to the blogging world to keep track of the summer at camp and the things that will follow via pictures, stories, and links. I'm counting this as my space to leave everything that doesn't fit in that little blue trunk... the things I learn, see, and experience that help me to hopefully become more of who God wants me to be.