trees

Today I want to go here:

 

...or here 

and in the morning when I wake up, maybe I'll be here. (though I think your pillows would be soggy...)

annnnd I'd like to go here. I have a thing about tree houses. I'm going to have one again one day soon.

But for tonight I will sit on the neighbor's couch and eat fruit out of a beautiful teacup. I will soak in the joys of today-- walking downtown and talking camp and the power of the Gospel in the lives of kids with a sweet friend; getting to chat on the phone with my favorite future ga tech bcm president; getting to finally see some sunshine... I'll be content to sit and smile and wait... wait actively on God.

The Lord is faithful. Always. What a sweet reminder He sent Jillian and I today of how He works, how He moves, and how He reveals truth in our lives. He is never far from us, constantly working, and actively revealing Himself in my life as I seek out losing all things in order to gain more of Him.

How lovely is your dwelling place,
   LORD Almighty!
² My soul yearns, even faints,
   for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
   for the living God.
³ Even the sparrow has found a home,
   and the swallow a nest for herself,
   where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
   LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
⁴ Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
   they are ever praising you.

 ⁵ Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
   whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
⁶ As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
   they make it a place of springs;
   the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
⁷ They go from strength to strength,
   till each appears before God in Zion.

 ⁸ Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty;
   listen to me, God of Jacob.
⁹ Look on our shield, O God;
   look with favor on your anointed one.

 ¹⁰ Better is one day in your courts
   than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
   than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
¹¹ For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
   the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
   from those whose walk is blameless.

 ¹² LORD Almighty,
   blessed is the one who trusts in you. 

-psalm 84 

thanks to http://poppytalk.blogspot.com/2011/03/green-dreams.html for the pics :)

let it rain

It's a rainy afternoon preceded by a rainy morning in Athens. I had to get out early this morning and make a WalMart run before an 8 am meeting and I'll confess that the thunderstorm was so bad that I prayed for safety as I drove. I ended up having some sweet time with the Lord in the lightening and as I stood soaking wet at the bus stop with a backpack full of chicken biscuits (oh, my life...) I thought about the last time I'd gotten caught walking in rain that hard. I'm thinking it was the day we trucked through downtown Atlanta to get Passion registration taken care of... those were great days. There's something I love about the rain. Some of the best rain I've ever been in was in Brno, Czech Republic and I crave to be back in the daily downpour in Belize. Feel free to comment on how good we were looking in these high school pics, somewhere in the one road town of Armenia...

 

This one might still be hanging in my room somewhere...

I love that rain. I love how it washes the world clean and how vivid of a picture of grace it is. Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me. God's grace isn't a light sprinkling rain, it's a flood. One that pops up out of nowhere, that you can't escape, and that you might as well grab a friend and dance in. If you're gonna get wet, you might as well just get soaked. 

I'm craving to take my shoes off and go on another adventure, keep on dancing in the rain. As I flipped through those Belize pictures I realized that was the last time I've left the country. I got something in the mail today urging me to renew my passport under the pretense that you never know when you might need to spontaneously leave the country and chase adventure. I might do it. They might be right.

I just got back from Director/AD training weekend in Nashville for CentriKid. It was a huge blessing to sit with some unbelievable people and talk camp and laugh til you couldn't breathe for a few days. I got to hear some unbelievable stories and meet some unbelievable people. I got to hang out, talk spiritual direction with Mary, and pray specifically for our summer and our staff. I got to roast marshmallows, worship the Lord, and see all the secrets for the summer. I got to pray for a lady on an airplane. (What are the odds of sitting beside the same girl on my flight both directions?) I got to see old friends, spend sweet time with Jesus, and play an awful lot of card games. I got to put the crazy of the world behind me for a few days. I love getting to hear the Lord speak like that.

God's put some unbelievable blessings in my life right now... things I never would have imagined to even ask for. I find that as I desire more and more to ask Him if I can keep them, He more and more echoes back to me the desire to be willing to let Him have everything. It's a funny dichotomy and I love it.

DNow is this weekend at River Hills! Getting so excited... can't wait to see God shape the lives of these kiddos that I love so dearly. Mmm, gonna be fantastic. 

I'll close out this post of random thoughts with these words from Francis Chan:

"Life is too short. I don't want to speak about Jesus; I want to know Jesus. I want to be Jesus to people. I don't want just to write about the Holy Spirit; I want to experience His presence in my life in a profound way."

Amen to that. May the Lord continue to wreck and shape our lives. I don't want to write about it, I want to get out and live it. The Lord has been laying a lot on my heart... I promise to blog more coherently about it later.

heartbeat

Another entry tonight coming to you straight from the pages of my journal... As I get excited about these things, I don't feel I should just keep them all to myself. My prayer for sharing so honestly is not that it would reflect well on me, but that the thoughts the Lord lays down on my heart would speak specifically to someone else's as well. I'm starting this one off with a quote from Daniel's blog post tonight-- it spoke such truth and beauty. Thank you to those who share their hearts so sincerely. 

"i think that's why my heart is so overwhelmed. because i feel the heartbeat of my Savior."

I don't think this could have been summed up any better. I'm still living on the humility and vulnerability of the moment I wept for the children of New Orleans and how passionate my heart is learning to become as of late. I read these words in Philippians 3 today: 

"for, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, 

many live as enemies of the cross of Christ." (v. 18)

So many people are living as enemies of the cross... reminds me of the blatant reality of Ephesians 2. So many are living as enemies and at the same time God is welling up such a drive and a passion inside of so many of us. For me, it seems to be paired with an unquenchable thirst for His word each morning and throughout the day... I've prayed for that for years and I'm humbled at how obediently Christ is answering. I burn for the Lord as white hot tears stream down faces for the lost and broken. I burn for the Lord as I sit beside a student in service who is adamantly soaking up the pastors every word, seeking. I burn for the Lord as we sit silently around our kitchen table trying to make sense of the broken pieces of losing someone, searching for the words that bring comfort and healing. In that moment those tears flood back to my face and I swallow them, knowing the best we can do is to be still before the Lord as we let Him live out Romans 8:26. How beautiful that He intercedes for us when we don't even know what to pray for. 

People always tell you that Christianity doesn't profess itself to be easy... and yet Christ tells us that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Why is it that the closer to God's heart I draw and the more He makes me whole, the more my heart breaks for those around me? I think that's how it's supposed to work... We're called to have a heart for the widows and the orphans and if anyone who is Fatherless counts as an orphan, then may the Lord break my heart daily for the lost and hurting. And may the words of my journal present a tangible echo in my life. In Philippians, Paul described the lost of the world even with tears. The passion in the story of Nehemiah looks very similar. Should I not be made more broken as He makes me more whole?

To hear a heartbeat you have to get close to someone. It's a beautifully sweet moment when you quiet yourself, lay your head gently on the chest, and listen to the true heartbeat, the methodical, rhythmic source of life. It takes a lot of trust to get that close and be that vulnerable-- trust on both parts. It's the same with God. I have to continue to quiet myself, open my ears, and trust in the constant, life-sustaining heartbeat of the living God. As I trust Him more, He entrusts more to me. The tears and the calling are overwhelming, yes, but it's a beautiful kind of burden; a taking of the hand and running head-first into the unknown. Trusting. Surrender your heart and it is filled with a frightening passion-- passion to feel things far beyond my reach or my vision. One day at a time may I be overwhelmed until there's simply nothing left of me.

visions of love

Today was a beautiful, much needed day of doing absolutely nothing. Today I slept late, read, went for a run, listened to the same song over and over again and spent absurd amounts of time in the sun on the back porch. Today I bought an unnecessary 2011/2012 planner. It was yellow, I couldn't help it. I will literally graduate college before this thing runs out... Today I finally finished One Thousand Gifts. The last chapter made my heart sing as Ann wrote about finding the Lord on an impromptu trip to France. I find a little bit of irony in the thought of France today... :) Seriously though, this book has brought me more joy than I can handle. So good to seek the Lord.

Anyway, despite the glory and needed relaxation that today has brought me, I'm missing my kids in New Orleans already. The rest of the group returns to Athens tomorrow and tonight they had a giant worship concert in a park. I can't wait to hear about the outcome of their public obedience to God... Now to sum up the rest of my trip.

nola... I blogged yesterday about how after the first day in that school I was torn up inside for those children. I find that so often I face the passionate turmoil that I cannot chose Christ for these people. I want those kiddos (and teachers) to grow up seeking Him but there's only so much I can do. A friend wrote me this that night: "The gospel is painful and a stumbling block...". So true. And yet when you get it, when you let it abide in you as you abide in it, its yoke is easy and its burden is light. I may never fully understand the juxtaposition of Christ-- how He can be (and is) both sides of all spectrums.

I went into day two at the school bathing it in prayer and still having no idea what to expect. My goal for the day was to spend more time communicating with the teacher than anything. To be honest, that didn't really happen. But my class's normal teacher was there (the day before she'd been out sick) and I was humbly taken back over the next few days by how wonderful she is. She has found the balance with these kids between being strict and keeping them in line and loving them so selflessly. I've never seen a teacher love on her students that much and take such an interest in their lives. They light up because they know she is proud of them. She has their respect because they have hers. It was a beautiful sight to see-- that they are being loved and cherished in a way that reflects how Christ loves on us. I could write so much more about her and how grateful I am, but I'll stop. The Lord taught me a ton about prayer and about listening to his quiet whispers. You can serve in anything, even if its testing sight words and sharpening pencils. I fell head first in love with these kids and their snotty noses. It broke my heart to leave them and I'll never stop cherishing the moment when 23 of them grasped my legs and cried for me not to go. I'm pretty sure they blessed me way more than I could ever have dreamed of blessing them.

The rest of the trip held a lot of beautiful moments. Worshiping as a team, meeting new people, scavenger hunts through the city... I prayed for unity going into this trip and I think it happened. So many encouragement notes, so many laughs and smiles, such beauty in us all coming around to pray over those who were hurting. The Lord was definitely at work.

One of my favorite moments came on the last night I was there. Kelvin walked me back to my room and he had the sweetest smile on his face as he explained to me that just hours before that at the Seaport Ministry he had gotten to share the gospel with someone... in Chinese. One of our boys had shared it in Russian. Funny how God puts the right people in the right place at just the right time. At just the right time... Romans 5:6.

My last night, a team of us prayer walked the streets of the french quarter. We walked, open eyed, and prayed out loud. Nola is a dark place... The streets are covered in fortune tellers as people invite in the darkness. I was reminded of the story of Jonah chapter 1 when the storm arises and each of the sailors is found crying out to their own god while Jonah sleeps in the bottom of the boat. The pagans are praying and the profit is asleep... everyone is crying out for something. We're all searching. It's time for the believers to wake up and speak truth.

Amazing things happened in our construction teams. I was broken and humbled by the stories of our sex trafficking team. I'm proud of my roommates, proud of my brothers and sisters, and humbled by the way God is working in and through our ministry. Praying for them today as they finish up and head home tomorrow. Praying that this unity and this ministry doesn't stop here.

Per usual, I could keep on writing... but there's a little thing called NCAA March Madness about to go down. What does it say that I'm watching basketball alone on a Friday night? Eh, oh well.

come

I just got home from our bcm mission trip to New Orleans and I have so very much to be thankful about. It was an incredible trip and I loved watching the Lord move in so many different teams and so many different ways. We did construction, worked with kids, ministered to sailors, worked in sex trafficking, worked with the homeless, and so on. I have so, so many good stories to share. But after a 10+ hour drive today, a quick run, and a lofty clean up of my apartment, I'm exhausted to say the least. But right now I want to do something that I rarely (if ever) do with this blog... Blogging has my heart, yes, but more often than that it comes through in the pages of my journal. I want to share tonight the words that I sprawled across the pages of my journal as tears flowed down my face after our first day in New Orleans. It gives a great picture of what my team was doing, the unexpected we faced, and the passion the Lord welled up inside of us. I was on the 'kids team' and a few days before we arrived, our plans all fell through. We ended up with the beautiful opportunity to work in an inner city public school and just love on the people there. I'll blog tomorrow about the outcome and the change (and post more pictures), but I think this is a good place to start for now. Bear with my unedited honesty... and watch as the story unfolds further.

"Less than one full day in Nola and my heart is literally about to combust. The Lord is working and moving in mighty ways. I'm so grateful for the spiritual affirmation and for the guidance and direction in my life.

Less than a week ago I blogged about the desire to somehow, somehwere be in the public school system. That is exactly where I found myself today. My heart is shattered for these kids and after thinking/praying through what on earth the Lord's will for me is in Arise Academy, I think I may have a foothold on it. Maybe? My heart is torn for the way these kiddos are treated. My special needs girl got yelled at today and lost her snack for tomorrow because she shared her goldfish with a girl who'd lost hers for bad behavior. That makes me want to throw up with how wrong it is. What a missed moment for grace. It seems nobody else notices the moment when Bernard, after an hour of being a terror, is the only one on his knees consoling the girl who is crying after losing a game. I pray daily that the Lord would give me His eyes to see... has He answered that cry? I'm so frustrated but the realization I've had is this: It is selfish for me to expect these teachers to show that kind of love to these kids if they do not know that love themselves. This school needs love and if God is love then you can do the math on that. Josh told me I'm like Paul in Galatians; livid at the fact that someone has told these kids if you don't walk where I say, talk when I say, do xyz, then you are undeserving of love. Mm, what a good word. Now I have to regroup, reassess, and figure out how to be the hands and feed of Christ not just to these kids tomorrow, but very specifically and intentioanlly to these teachers.

I think this is deeper than this week for me though. I'm trying to figure things out and I'm humbled by how much passion God has welled up in my heart. I'm the cry of Habbakuk-- what are you doing, Lord? I don't understand. But am I beginning to? Where is it that the Lord wants me next year? The fact that I stood outside this afternoon and wept openly for the hearts of these children is alive. It's breathing and it's relevant.

I opened today with Psalm 84 and headed out with this thought: Oh Lord Almighty, Blessed is the man who trusts in You. -ps. 84:12

Trusting the Lord tomorrow for guidance and open gates. Let nothing hinder the children from coming to Him."

And that's where I sat after day one. The story gets better-- in fact it takes a 180. I was so touched and blessed by the teacher of this class the next two days... but I'm saving all of that for tomorrow. For now, check out a few of these faces that I pray never stop being so dear to my heart.

 This is Bernard-- one of my all time favorites. The littlest, the one in the most trouble, the one with the snottiest nose and the most precious heart. I would've brought him home with me in a heart beat.

 love his sweet smile

 and those hairbows...

mm... there aren't words for how much I love him. 

 Check out how beautiful this is... amazing to cry it out with 100 college kids. Til tomorrow, friends.

 

swamp chickens

I'm about thirty minutes outside New Orleans right now and it has been one crazy but beautiful trip with Karen. I think the "swamp chickens" title describes it just about perfectly...

We stopped at a beach, rolled the windows down, and blasted my favorite song, Dancing Shoes. I think nothing was sweeter in our friendship than the line "I'm so tired of the nine to five, weighing down on my soul". We've talked about an impromptu adventure for some time now and here today we found ourselves on a beach in Mississippi.... and we ate dinner at a barbecue restaurant in a trailor park. But really...

We started a eucharisto list. We sought the Lord. We ate an entire bag of peanut m&ms.

Today I had some sweet conversations with my parents. Today church was a huge blessing (maybe even a double?). Today I got a sweet phone call from an airplane. What a day of blessings.

Despite being exhausted already (thank you time change and going to work while the stars were still out...), I am fully expecting the Lord to do great things this week. Praying for unity. Praying for God to move. Praying we show love to this city and praying for safety all who are far from home tonight.

Today has been a day of swamp chickens. I'm convinved you can find beauty in anything if you look to the Lord. He's reminding me to lean fully on Him this week... I think the timing of it is going to be perfect.

The Lord is good. Nola here we come.
 
update (bc I didn't get to post this until I was here...)--
I'm working with kids tomorrow in a public school. I am SO excited to see what the Lord brings.

enough

I'm justifying the fact that I'm sitting at Chickfila blogging right now intead of writing my This I Believe paper with the thought that I'm going to use this post as support... I have a long paper to write today about my plans for my life and how I'm going to use my major. Nothing helps writer's block quite like cfa sweet tea. Nothing helps a lot of things quite like cfa sweet tea. Shout out to my mom for raising an addict.

This morning in my research and eval class was what we like to call 'research Thursday' where someone who's working on their dissertation comes in and shares with us. The goal is for us to write written critiques of their research methodology and epistemological perspective and such... but confession, I threw the idea of listening for each of those things completely to the wind when our guest speaker began to pour out her research and findings on a topic I am so passionate about.

The first thing our research presenter asked us to do was write down a time when we felt we weren't enough. A heavy beginning. I'll skip the technical details, but she had spent time working with a group of middle school girls doing research on the feeling that we are not enough and how that relates to the body. We talked a lot about how our culture and our society discipline us to believe certain things about ourselves, to believe certain things about our bodies. The result is the feeling so many people (girls, boys, majorities, minorities, all ages) deal with that I'm not thin enough, I'm not athletic enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm simply not enough. She spent weeks meeting with these girls for writing workshops and just loving on them and getting to know their heartbeat on the issue. We talked about how quick this generation is to jump back for themselves and resist being forced into a mold, but at the same time how we discipline train kids from a young age. You sit in rows of desks. You don't speak when I'm speaking. You believe the things we're telling you. 

She laughed and told us "working with middle school girls requires a lot of humility.". Amen, Hillary. Amen. She talked a lot about how as educators we need to start listening to our adolescents more and differently. We have an awful lot we can learn from them. I know this is true.

I could talk about her research for a long time but it stirred up a passion inside of me. I've been called into ministry. I've been given a passion for girls. I have a heart for middle schoolers. And I don't know what I want to do with my life... no, that's a lie. I know exactly what I want to do, I just don't know yet through what medium. I want to use the passions and talents that the Lord has given me to take His Gospel to the people around me. I've blogged about wanting to spend time living in another country loving on the people. I want to work at camp forever. I want to be in the public school system. I want to spend every day with girls. I want to use my gifts of organizing and coordinating things. I don't know... I just want to serve.

I blogged last night about how crucial the gospel of Christ is. It's everything. Literally, everything. I wanted to jump out of my seat during the presentation today and ask Hillary if she told those girls that they were beautiful because God made them in His image. I wanted to know if she told them how He loves us, the price that He's paid for us that we might be able to be seen as enough. We aren't enough, we never will be. But in Christ we are made whole, full, beautiful. And I'm crying in a Chickfila right now... Can you tell that This I Believe?!

But do I?

Wes told a story yesterday about an agnostic girl he works with whom he had the chance to sit and talk about the Gospel. After knowing him for months and having a five hour conversation about scripture, heaven, hell, life, death, and everything in between, she looked him in the eyes and said "You don't believe in this." Of course he was floored, wouldn't you be? What do you mean I don't believe this? I've been living it and preaching it for months. I'm telling you that this is what I believe. But she looked at him and said "No. If you really believe in this Hell you just told me about, you would've told me a whole lot sooner." Amen. Amen, amen, amen.

What are we doing? What do I want to do with my life? I just want to share the love of Christ. I don't want to wait until next week or until I get my degree, I just want to go. I want to love. Live love. Love on the hurting people around me. Right here in Athens, Georgia. I want to serve. I want to tell the girls that they are beautiful, not because they are fitting or not fitting into the world around them but because we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus (eph. 2:10). The Greek word for workmanship there is poema, like a poem. A beautiful work of art.

But far too often I am quiet. Praying today for the Lord to give me a moment to speak His truth. Maybe right here in my favorite booth at Chickfila.

I'm daily amazed that this is real life. Thank goodness that This I Believe. I'm trading my life for His.

This was supposed to be a short post... oh well. It's too good to keep inside. We aren't supposed to anyway, right?