Here is a confession I have never before vocalized:
As of the past few years, I have developed a somewhat irrational fear of the end of July.
I know, it's ridiculous. But the end of July seems to have a pretty bad track record for me. No matter how well your life is going, inevitably someone will end up nearly paralyzed in a hospital, someone you love will pass away, or someone will break your heart more than you ever knew possible. It's likely that next year I'll break my leg or catch some sort of deadly disease, but I'm trying not to think about it just yet.
Everybody goes through hardships in life, some we can anticipate and some that will hit us out of the blue. And I realized something beautiful tonight during small group. As we came to the end of Genesis and the story of Jacob, our dearest friend Beth said to us: (yes, we pretend to be on a first name basis with Beth Moore...):
"Beloved, in God's economy fruitfulness trumps forgetfulness every time. No matter how differently we feel at times, becoming fruitful in our troubles has far greater ramifications of blessing than forgetting our troubles... Jacob's enduring line would not be marked by the troubles they'd forgotten. It would be marked by the faithfulness of a God who remembered His covenant and made them fruitful. Fruitfulness trumps forgetfulness just as surely in your life and mine."
Fruitfulness trumps forgetfulness... hmm. So often when our figurative ends of July come and tragedy hits in our lives, we work our very hardest to block it out and forget it. I learned my lesson earlier this year about trying to just ignore these things, but that's another story really. All of us have our strategies for forgetting hardships-- some people drink away the pain, some people head out of town, some people turn to drugs. Me? If it's really bad my first instinct is to run (and I say again that I will never forget the kindness of a precious friend putting on her tennis shoes and running with me at 1 am on a hot July night in South Georgia. Such a blessing.) But my other instinct is often to just sleep... Just sleep it off, watch a sweet movie, lose yourself in something to forget about your hardship.
But no, that's not really what we're called to, is it? Like Beth says, fruitfulness trumps forgetfulness. Psalm 34:18 reminds us that "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." He knows, precious readers. He understands. I firmly believe that we go through hardships because we have something sweet to learn from them. Yes, they suck but in retrospect, anything and everything we go through can teach us something of the Lord's character and help us to draw closer to Him. Sometimes we have to look hard for the good, sometimes we might never see it... but we have to trust that He has a plan-- a Jeremiah 29:11 plan-- and that He will be faithful to Hebrews 13:5 and will never leave us nor forsake us. Forgetting these hardships is blocking out what the Lord is trying to show us through them. Of course, it's never a good plan to dwell on things but we have to acknowledge situations and acknowledge God's control and His sovereignty in them.
The Lord took care of Jacob and his family and He takes care of us as well. Be encouraged-- know that the Lord is good, that you are never alone, and that everybody has those end of July moments. I'm pleased to say that life looks pretty good here in mid November, but I cherish all my tragic July experiences and the beauties that I see come out of them year after year, be it beautiful friends, the Holiness of the Lord, or simply growth into who God is slowly shaping me to be. It's easier said in retrospect of course, but I'm tryimg to store up this knowledge for the next time plague hits my life.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." --James 1:2-4
Monday, November 29, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
glimpses
It's been a long time since I posted any pictures so I thought I'd recap the semester a little with a few of my favorites. They're not necessarily the most photographically sound, but they hold a lot of good stories for me. This semester has been more of a blessing getting to see sweet friends and the Lord has spoken to me in some incredible ways through them. But a picture's supposed to be worth a thousand words, and here are fourteen of them. :)
Yep, this is a brick wall... In Savannah. Upon seeing it my dad said "Why would you take a picture of a wall?". Fair enough question I guess. The answer is...
...Alex, Allison, and Spencer. We had a fantastic time in Savannah and I love my precious friends for encouraging me, loving me, and humoring my desire to photograph them all day. What a blessing they were to my life that weekend!
old elevator shaft, Savannah Ga
I love getting to be a part of the line (as much a part as any girl gets to be.) While you might think it's awkward, it's a blessing to get to be part of the tradition and you know what? These boys are wonderful. We have such a good time through the missed passes and the sunburns.
This is my neighbor and one of my best friends. We had a murder mystery party for her birthday and it was hands-down one of the most epic nights of our lives. Everyone looked fantastic and got wonderfully into character. Too bad I turned out to be a cold-blooded killer...
BCM missions day... I blogged about it earlier. I love seeing the hands and feet of our students put to use for the Kingdom of God in our community. What a blessing they all are.
so sweet.
How could you not love her face?
This picture speaks love to me in so many ways-- not only the act of service of pressure washing and the precious look of my friend as he tried to figure this thing out, but I see love in the sweetly written instructions of Mr. Lee, our BCM groundskeeper, cook, service man, driver, comedian, and best friend. He'd gladly bend over backwards for any of us and often does. We're all sad to see him retire but he's not getting rid of us quite yet.
More shots from mission day...
I love the look on his face here as he tries to figure out the pressure washer without taking his hands out of his pockets... Priceless.
Downtown Madison has now become one of my favorite places. It's a precious little town and the beautiful when the leaves are turning. I've had several great trips there with the girls-- it's one of those places you could just sit and enjoy forever.
River Street on a random, chilly Wednesday night in October, post BB King Concert. That was an incredible day with the sweetest of friends for a multitude of reasons. I also just love how creepy this place looks when the tourists are all gone.
And last but not least, this is a cherpumple. I loved every minute of the insanity of baking a three layer cake with three pies baked inside, coated in three cans of icing. There were lots of laughs, almost some tears, and a whole lot of memories. Yes it weighed about twenty pounds and no, we didn't eat it all...
Yep, this is a brick wall... In Savannah. Upon seeing it my dad said "Why would you take a picture of a wall?". Fair enough question I guess. The answer is...
...Alex, Allison, and Spencer. We had a fantastic time in Savannah and I love my precious friends for encouraging me, loving me, and humoring my desire to photograph them all day. What a blessing they were to my life that weekend!
old elevator shaft, Savannah Ga
I love getting to be a part of the line (as much a part as any girl gets to be.) While you might think it's awkward, it's a blessing to get to be part of the tradition and you know what? These boys are wonderful. We have such a good time through the missed passes and the sunburns.
This is my neighbor and one of my best friends. We had a murder mystery party for her birthday and it was hands-down one of the most epic nights of our lives. Everyone looked fantastic and got wonderfully into character. Too bad I turned out to be a cold-blooded killer...
BCM missions day... I blogged about it earlier. I love seeing the hands and feet of our students put to use for the Kingdom of God in our community. What a blessing they all are.
so sweet.
How could you not love her face?
This picture speaks love to me in so many ways-- not only the act of service of pressure washing and the precious look of my friend as he tried to figure this thing out, but I see love in the sweetly written instructions of Mr. Lee, our BCM groundskeeper, cook, service man, driver, comedian, and best friend. He'd gladly bend over backwards for any of us and often does. We're all sad to see him retire but he's not getting rid of us quite yet.
More shots from mission day...
I love the look on his face here as he tries to figure out the pressure washer without taking his hands out of his pockets... Priceless.
Downtown Madison has now become one of my favorite places. It's a precious little town and the beautiful when the leaves are turning. I've had several great trips there with the girls-- it's one of those places you could just sit and enjoy forever.
River Street on a random, chilly Wednesday night in October, post BB King Concert. That was an incredible day with the sweetest of friends for a multitude of reasons. I also just love how creepy this place looks when the tourists are all gone.
And last but not least, this is a cherpumple. I loved every minute of the insanity of baking a three layer cake with three pies baked inside, coated in three cans of icing. There were lots of laughs, almost some tears, and a whole lot of memories. Yes it weighed about twenty pounds and no, we didn't eat it all...
Friday, November 19, 2010
lessons from reflection day
This morning I got angry.
And I admit that humbly, recognizing that I'm very rarely one to get angry and haven't been this ticked off in quite a while. While it was likely egged on by my serious lack of sleep the night before, I cannot make excuses for how irrational my anger was. It manifested itself in two ways-- the first being me skipping the bus and power walking from Ramsey to the bcm after class to let of steam (for those of you in non-UGA world, it's a haul.) and the second being my immediate desire to write about it.
For the past two weeks, my classmates and I have been working our tails off on a "critical issues" project and the results have actually been really great. My group focused on addressing underserved populations in Athens with an emphasis on teenage moms. We were given short amounts of time and little to no direction, just simply told to do research and do some sort of something to help educate the community. The final day of this project was yesterday when we did formal presentations on all of our work. We were completely on our own with no direction and contradictory information, details I'll spare at the risk of becoming angry once more. This is the way my major goes and to be honest, I think it's a good thing. While I wish we were given more direction and more organization, we've all been forced to grow up a lot and figure out just how to take initiative in the dark. Sometimes I think it's a cop out on the teaching team's behalf, but sometimes I really do believe it's intentional and I know I'm learning from it regardless.
Putting that rant aside... yesterday we presented and I am proud of the work my group has done. We actually collaborated a 20 page document that is now being distributed to teen moms in Athens listing affordable resources, clinics, activities, scholarships, etc. and even the details of how to navigate the websites and which bus routes to take to get places. Incredible. We presented like pros, fielded questions like experts, and walked away with a sense of pride in our seemingly impossible accomplishment. All the groups did.
Today was supposed to be debrief and reflection day in class. The attitude in the room took a 180 turn when one of our teachers basically stood up in front of us and told us in not so many words what a terrible job we had done and how he didn't feel we had given it anywhere near our best as a class considering work we have done in the past. That might not have been exactly what he meant, but that's how it was interpreted. He then opened the floor for discussion of what we could have done better. I understand what he was trying to do, but it came off in a way that we all took personally. Having someone shatter your hard work with no consideration is difficult, especially when hearing that you didn't complete the assignment as given, knowing that they had really given you nothing. When attempting to defend ourselves and stand up under the constraints we had been given, the room got a little hostile as the teacher continued to push the blame back onto the students. If there's anything I dislike, it is blame... the project was a short amount of time to attempt to save the world but all the groups had raised passion and awareness, a reached goal in and of itself.
I mostly sat quietly, seething with anger at the way this was so bluntly addressed in response to such ambiguous failure. I had my argument lined up clearly in my head but I didn't speak-- sometimes it isn't even necessary. At that moment, the words of Lance Howerton popped into my head. I quickly grabbed a pen and wrote them across the front of my binder for that class-- something I think will be a necessary reminder in many of the unorganized days to come.
"Be a learner, not a critic."
It helps to remember that in this situation, as anything in life, it does not help to push around blame or criticize the situation. After thinking about this more, I did speak up in an effort to verbalize that I was proud of my group's work in a difficult situation. I also did my best to articulate that I could sit and criticize the flaws of this project all day but what helps more often is to just learn from it and move on.
In life, you will have hard situations to rise up underneath. Often I'm tempted to just have a complaint fest about them but what helps more is to assess the situation and roll with it, taking it as a lesson for the future. I had no reason to get angry and really had to get myself in check. My job is not to criticize how well or poorly my teachers, bosses, coworkers, or friends do what they are doing... only to learn from it. Throwing blame around helps no one. Debriefing can be a wonderful thing, though my method tends to be more of a "what did we do well? what can we do better?". Today I learned that telling someone their hard work failed is not necessarily the key to motivating them to do better and that sometimes in life, people will tell you that anyway. It's about keeping yourself in check, learning from other people's methods, finding the good in situations, and prompting other people to see that good also. So maybe you need to take an angry thirty minute walk and go eat some tacos with a friend... anger is all about how you handle it and every day is all about being a life learner. Debrief everything, learn from it all.
This post was not necessarily intended as an earth shattering revelation for any of the readers, but more of a processing tool for me. Attempting to live holy takes a day by day effort and day by day I will fail. Such is the beauty of God's grace in my life... so I'll keep on learning.
And I admit that humbly, recognizing that I'm very rarely one to get angry and haven't been this ticked off in quite a while. While it was likely egged on by my serious lack of sleep the night before, I cannot make excuses for how irrational my anger was. It manifested itself in two ways-- the first being me skipping the bus and power walking from Ramsey to the bcm after class to let of steam (for those of you in non-UGA world, it's a haul.) and the second being my immediate desire to write about it.
For the past two weeks, my classmates and I have been working our tails off on a "critical issues" project and the results have actually been really great. My group focused on addressing underserved populations in Athens with an emphasis on teenage moms. We were given short amounts of time and little to no direction, just simply told to do research and do some sort of something to help educate the community. The final day of this project was yesterday when we did formal presentations on all of our work. We were completely on our own with no direction and contradictory information, details I'll spare at the risk of becoming angry once more. This is the way my major goes and to be honest, I think it's a good thing. While I wish we were given more direction and more organization, we've all been forced to grow up a lot and figure out just how to take initiative in the dark. Sometimes I think it's a cop out on the teaching team's behalf, but sometimes I really do believe it's intentional and I know I'm learning from it regardless.
Putting that rant aside... yesterday we presented and I am proud of the work my group has done. We actually collaborated a 20 page document that is now being distributed to teen moms in Athens listing affordable resources, clinics, activities, scholarships, etc. and even the details of how to navigate the websites and which bus routes to take to get places. Incredible. We presented like pros, fielded questions like experts, and walked away with a sense of pride in our seemingly impossible accomplishment. All the groups did.
Today was supposed to be debrief and reflection day in class. The attitude in the room took a 180 turn when one of our teachers basically stood up in front of us and told us in not so many words what a terrible job we had done and how he didn't feel we had given it anywhere near our best as a class considering work we have done in the past. That might not have been exactly what he meant, but that's how it was interpreted. He then opened the floor for discussion of what we could have done better. I understand what he was trying to do, but it came off in a way that we all took personally. Having someone shatter your hard work with no consideration is difficult, especially when hearing that you didn't complete the assignment as given, knowing that they had really given you nothing. When attempting to defend ourselves and stand up under the constraints we had been given, the room got a little hostile as the teacher continued to push the blame back onto the students. If there's anything I dislike, it is blame... the project was a short amount of time to attempt to save the world but all the groups had raised passion and awareness, a reached goal in and of itself.
I mostly sat quietly, seething with anger at the way this was so bluntly addressed in response to such ambiguous failure. I had my argument lined up clearly in my head but I didn't speak-- sometimes it isn't even necessary. At that moment, the words of Lance Howerton popped into my head. I quickly grabbed a pen and wrote them across the front of my binder for that class-- something I think will be a necessary reminder in many of the unorganized days to come.
"Be a learner, not a critic."
It helps to remember that in this situation, as anything in life, it does not help to push around blame or criticize the situation. After thinking about this more, I did speak up in an effort to verbalize that I was proud of my group's work in a difficult situation. I also did my best to articulate that I could sit and criticize the flaws of this project all day but what helps more often is to just learn from it and move on.
In life, you will have hard situations to rise up underneath. Often I'm tempted to just have a complaint fest about them but what helps more is to assess the situation and roll with it, taking it as a lesson for the future. I had no reason to get angry and really had to get myself in check. My job is not to criticize how well or poorly my teachers, bosses, coworkers, or friends do what they are doing... only to learn from it. Throwing blame around helps no one. Debriefing can be a wonderful thing, though my method tends to be more of a "what did we do well? what can we do better?". Today I learned that telling someone their hard work failed is not necessarily the key to motivating them to do better and that sometimes in life, people will tell you that anyway. It's about keeping yourself in check, learning from other people's methods, finding the good in situations, and prompting other people to see that good also. So maybe you need to take an angry thirty minute walk and go eat some tacos with a friend... anger is all about how you handle it and every day is all about being a life learner. Debrief everything, learn from it all.
This post was not necessarily intended as an earth shattering revelation for any of the readers, but more of a processing tool for me. Attempting to live holy takes a day by day effort and day by day I will fail. Such is the beauty of God's grace in my life... so I'll keep on learning.
Monday, November 15, 2010
genuine?
Ever since the beginning of the summer, I have been reading a chapter a day through the old testament (or at least trying to do something close to that...). It amazes me most days how much the Lord can speak through simply a chapter, simply a verse, and how often those verses hit me right where I am.
As I was sitting beside a beautiful lake on a warm Sunday afternoon, got struck me with a new concept to an old idea. Love. It's the theme of our bcm this year, and when it boils down it's really the theme of Christianity. When asked what the greatest commandment is, Jesus replied to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind... And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself." --Matthew 22:37-38.
It's a commandment we all have heard, but I stumbled across this verse about love in 1st Timothy:
"Love... comes from a pure heart and a good conscious and a sincere faith." -1st Tim 1:5
These next words come unedited to you from the depths of my journal... a truthful, but often brutal place to be:
Love is based out of these things and therefor I cannot love until I have these in check. The greatest commandment is to love, but how? A pure heart. That is a daily process of renewing.... a daily, moment by moment choice. A good conscious comes only when you know yourself to be right with those around you, but more importantly right with the Lord. And that is a result only of a sincere faith. Love requires sincere faith... that's the truest thing I've heard all day. There are a lot of times I cannot love except for faith and faith cannot be faked. The beauty of the Lord is he knows the sincerity of your heart and your actions. Faking that sincerity is denying Him that love he more than deserves. Denying Him love in turn breaks His greatest commandment, His greatest and most humbled request to us. Breaking this commandment shatters the commandment to follow it-- how can I sincerely love others if I cannot even love the Perfect, most holy one? So I've got to get myself in check-- we all do-- if we ever expect to love. How fortunate that we can be loved when we are incapable of loving on our own. That is the true grace of the Father.
as always, just a thought.
As I was sitting beside a beautiful lake on a warm Sunday afternoon, got struck me with a new concept to an old idea. Love. It's the theme of our bcm this year, and when it boils down it's really the theme of Christianity. When asked what the greatest commandment is, Jesus replied to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind... And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself." --Matthew 22:37-38.
It's a commandment we all have heard, but I stumbled across this verse about love in 1st Timothy:
"Love... comes from a pure heart and a good conscious and a sincere faith." -1st Tim 1:5
These next words come unedited to you from the depths of my journal... a truthful, but often brutal place to be:
Love is based out of these things and therefor I cannot love until I have these in check. The greatest commandment is to love, but how? A pure heart. That is a daily process of renewing.... a daily, moment by moment choice. A good conscious comes only when you know yourself to be right with those around you, but more importantly right with the Lord. And that is a result only of a sincere faith. Love requires sincere faith... that's the truest thing I've heard all day. There are a lot of times I cannot love except for faith and faith cannot be faked. The beauty of the Lord is he knows the sincerity of your heart and your actions. Faking that sincerity is denying Him that love he more than deserves. Denying Him love in turn breaks His greatest commandment, His greatest and most humbled request to us. Breaking this commandment shatters the commandment to follow it-- how can I sincerely love others if I cannot even love the Perfect, most holy one? So I've got to get myself in check-- we all do-- if we ever expect to love. How fortunate that we can be loved when we are incapable of loving on our own. That is the true grace of the Father.
as always, just a thought.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
joyful, joyful
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." --1 Tess. 5:16
The last time the Lord put this verse on my heart, I was clinging to it as a daily reminder to continue to be strong and to give thanks to God, even in rough circumstances. This morning, as I stumbled upon it yet again, (stumbled, as if it were some sort of accident...) it is still of course a reminder but one viewed in a different light. Somehow this verse is so much easier to live out when everything in life is so beautiful. The other day as I was driving down beautiful roads on my way to visit some friends in Toccoa, listening to a friend of mine preach on a podcast, and smiling the entire drive on a buzz of good news and good friends, I could not help but acknowledge the fact that I have everything I could possibly need right now and that life seems to be taking a wonderful turn for so many people. Just as my precious friend Jeremy and I talked about that night, the Lord is so faithful to take us places we never imagined we could get to when we sincerely turn over our lives and our plans to him. Sure, there are things I would like to add to my current life, but the reality is that I fully believe God has the perfect plan and knows the perfect timing and to be honest, those extra desires are beginning to melt away. And that too is a beautiful thought.
It is worth mentioning, though, that I can't be proud to say that it's so much easier to be joyful, pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances when everything is wonderful. Of course it's easier! But God doesn't put those conditions on it. The real test of faith is how honestly you can claim this verse in the valley, not on the mountain. And I am willing to admit that I'm not always the best at that. I have had more thirst for God's word, seen more of Him moving, and been more continually in conversation with Him in the past few days than I have been in a while. I'm grateful to finally feel out of the valley, but I wouldn't trade the things I learned there for anything.
A good friend called me yesterday to tell me wonderful stories of how God is working through his life. It was an unspeakably huge encouragement to me and I am daily so proud of the man of God I know him to be. God is using him left and right and it made me stop to assess myself. God is using me too, but in different ways. As of lately, he's using me the most to simply be an encouragement and to provide a picture of his loving hands to the people around me-- be it phone calls to a person who needs an ear, staying up all night with a sick friend, or just sharing His word with someone. Some of my favorite moments all week are walking through Romans with the girl I'm discipling. God teaches us both so much during that time and I love how she influences me as much, if not more, than I influence her. And while I wish these stories were more miraculous and epic, I wish that for my own selfish glorification. I want to be full of fantastic stories but is it because I want to see God's Kingdom moving or because I want to be visibly seen as a vessel for the Lord? A little of both, if we're being honest. Still, I know God's opportunities pass by me likely every day and I'm trying to make a conscious effort to look past my agenda and be open to God's. Elijah knew God to be in the tiny whispers, but in honesty I'm usually talking too loudly to hear those.
Be joyful always. Always, good or bad.
Pray continually. Every day may the very beating of my heart cry out God's glory.
Give thanks in all circumstances.
The last time the Lord put this verse on my heart, I was clinging to it as a daily reminder to continue to be strong and to give thanks to God, even in rough circumstances. This morning, as I stumbled upon it yet again, (stumbled, as if it were some sort of accident...) it is still of course a reminder but one viewed in a different light. Somehow this verse is so much easier to live out when everything in life is so beautiful. The other day as I was driving down beautiful roads on my way to visit some friends in Toccoa, listening to a friend of mine preach on a podcast, and smiling the entire drive on a buzz of good news and good friends, I could not help but acknowledge the fact that I have everything I could possibly need right now and that life seems to be taking a wonderful turn for so many people. Just as my precious friend Jeremy and I talked about that night, the Lord is so faithful to take us places we never imagined we could get to when we sincerely turn over our lives and our plans to him. Sure, there are things I would like to add to my current life, but the reality is that I fully believe God has the perfect plan and knows the perfect timing and to be honest, those extra desires are beginning to melt away. And that too is a beautiful thought.
It is worth mentioning, though, that I can't be proud to say that it's so much easier to be joyful, pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances when everything is wonderful. Of course it's easier! But God doesn't put those conditions on it. The real test of faith is how honestly you can claim this verse in the valley, not on the mountain. And I am willing to admit that I'm not always the best at that. I have had more thirst for God's word, seen more of Him moving, and been more continually in conversation with Him in the past few days than I have been in a while. I'm grateful to finally feel out of the valley, but I wouldn't trade the things I learned there for anything.
A good friend called me yesterday to tell me wonderful stories of how God is working through his life. It was an unspeakably huge encouragement to me and I am daily so proud of the man of God I know him to be. God is using him left and right and it made me stop to assess myself. God is using me too, but in different ways. As of lately, he's using me the most to simply be an encouragement and to provide a picture of his loving hands to the people around me-- be it phone calls to a person who needs an ear, staying up all night with a sick friend, or just sharing His word with someone. Some of my favorite moments all week are walking through Romans with the girl I'm discipling. God teaches us both so much during that time and I love how she influences me as much, if not more, than I influence her. And while I wish these stories were more miraculous and epic, I wish that for my own selfish glorification. I want to be full of fantastic stories but is it because I want to see God's Kingdom moving or because I want to be visibly seen as a vessel for the Lord? A little of both, if we're being honest. Still, I know God's opportunities pass by me likely every day and I'm trying to make a conscious effort to look past my agenda and be open to God's. Elijah knew God to be in the tiny whispers, but in honesty I'm usually talking too loudly to hear those.
Be joyful always. Always, good or bad.
Pray continually. Every day may the very beating of my heart cry out God's glory.
Give thanks in all circumstances.
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